Raise your hand if when you were growing up you led to believe that by twenty-four, you would be married, graduated, have started your career and were on your way to having kids by the time you were twenty-six. Well I have no shame in admitting that I was one of those people. I believed that by twenty-six I would have it all figured out. Now if you are one of those few people who have it all figured out, I bow down to you. I sit here on a Saturday night, with saltines and a glass of merlot as my dinner writing this post. I have just gotten off work from a job that I hate and come home to the townhouse I share with my father. I am by no means trying to say that I am fucking up in life. I make good money, I have development opportunities and I am almost done with earning my BS in Communications. Woohoo! I know that I am doing fine, but yet somehow I am made to feel as if I am falling behind. People warned me that when you hit twenty-four that all of a sudden your social media timelines turn into engagement announcements, wedding photos and gender reveals. I was unaware of the complete 180 that happens. It was like a giant slap to the face, and I find myself avoiding social media at all costs so that I do not feel bad about my own life. I have talked to others my age as well, both males and females. And the ones who are not engaged or heading down that path in the next six months find themselves doubting their progress or their accomplishments in their own lives. Thats a load of bulls***! I could rant on about this topic, but I do not think it would be very proactive. Instead I want to focus on why females who are still single at twenty-four our treated as if they are some sort of anomaly. Maybe I am the only one who has experienced this and everyone reading this is shaking their heads thinking that I am insane.
I have never had so many lesbian jokes been made about my love life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian, I am many family members dear to me that are a part of the LGBT community. I am not a lesbian though and I do not understand why just because I am still single that it must be assumed that I am a lesbian. This commentary has come from both friends and family members. Thanksgiving 2016 was a great time….not. My entire family, and I literally mean entire, both sides even, were married by the time they were about twenty-three, many of them had their first kid by then. My cousin has followed in this path and was married two years ago at twenty-one. I have never brought anyone home that I have been in a relationship with because I do not introduce just anyone to my family. And clearly as I am writing about the struggles of being a single female in 2017, none of my relationships have worked out thus far. Sitting around the dinner table and someone brings up grandkids and the conversation goes south from there. I would like to add a quick note to this, all of my family members (except my grandparents) are now divorced, specifically on their second divorce. Yet I am the odd man out sitting at the table, how does that seem logically at all. My friends, who have all been just as single as I was up until this last year or so now act like there is something wrong with me for not jumping into a relationship as they all have. They have all set me up, time and time again on blind dates. Some have worked out longer than others, and they were all nice guys but again, still single. And again, I am happy with this decision.
I am single by choice, and anyone who is in the same place as I am will understanding how difficult it is to remain single, when we live in a generation that is accustomed to settling with anything just so they have the ability to say they have something. I have had to recently prioritize my life, with being so close to graduation and working full time I do not have much free time, if any. And the little free time I do manage to scrounge up I have decided to dedicate to my friends. My priorities for the time being do fit with being able to have a significant other. I do not plan to die alone though, after I graduate I plan on allowing myself to get attached. But this is honestly none of anyone else’s business and it should not matter. Yet somehow it does. In every aspect of my life, somehow I am made to look like I am odd because I haven’t settled down. That maybe I am a player by heart and I will not settle down.
What people who are in relationships tend to not understand is that even when you make the choice to remain single for the time being, it does not make it any easier. One begins to question their ability to find another to be with. Their self-worth is not diminished, but the question of whether or not this was truly your own decision or if it is a decision that was made due to the lack of ability to find someone. Feelings of being lonely tend to sink in, especially when you’ve had a hard day. The urge is to come home to someone you care about and be able to unwind with them, and have them there as a support system. But when you’re single and all of your friends are in relationships, that person that you rely on to be your support system quickly becomes yourself. You have to hug yourself at the end of the day and remind yourself that it was just a bad day, not a bad life. You are the one telling yourself throughout the day, “you the shit mama, you’ve got this”. You are your own cheerleader.
But I want to emphasize my statement, I am single BY CHOICE. I have recently come to a realization that has helped me to better understand my decision to be single for the time being. As I have mentioned some days are harder than others to be single, and some days the fear of never finding someone are more harsh than others. I would be lying if I never laid awake at night wondering if there was something wrong with me and thats why I couldn’t find a guy. The second part of that statement is what I want to focus on.
“Why I couldn’t find a guy”
I have come to realize that statement is borderline self-pity. I have come to realize that I have found the guy, I may have even found many of the guy. But I have not let them in. I did not realize this at the time that I was dating them, this is something that I have come to realize within the past 24 hours. As I said, I dated many guys and they were all very nice, well not all of them, but many of them were a great fit. But why didn’t it work out? Thinking back, it did not work out because the moment in a relationship where it shifts from the fun flirty dating to the serious, I want to spend the rest of my life with you is where I pull away. Its subtle, so subtle that I was unaware I was doing it. It was not due to a fear of commitment, it is due to a fear of settling.
I came to this realization because I am currently dating a guy, who all my friends love. I have known him for years and he is great guy and we have a great time together. He is supportive and clearly cares about me. They continue to ask me if I could see myself marrying him, time and time again I answer no. But why couldn’t I see myself staying with him? I took a step back to think about this, and the answer is I could see myself marrying him. And if I were to marry him I am sure we would be very happy together. We would stay in my hometown more than likely, move in together, get married and start having children in the next couple of years. For those of you have read my previous post, you are aware that my future plans include moving to Australia in the next 7-8 months, marriage and babies don’t exactly fit into that lifestyle right now. I need to rephrase my previous question to more accurately portray what is happening;
“Why am I not allowing myself to choose a guy”
I think I could phrase it a little more enlightening but I am not the smoothest with words. Obviously as I just said smoothest..
Anyway, this question forces me to challenge myself and ask, what is it that is causing me to not be with someone 110%. This then leads me to begin to establish what is it that I want out of this life right now, and how am I then going to achieve it. And for many of you singlets out there this may be something you want to ask yourself.
I have read many blogs written by other independent females, one in particular caught my attention. The hardest part about being single is having none to tell you it’s okay, Sheena Sharma(2016), Elite Daily. For all you single female out there I highly suggest you read it.
I have recently made an addition to my tattoo collection to remind me that I am the shit and that I am doing just fine. It is of a wolf, and I got this tattoo because of a quote I had found in the months before. Many people give me the strangest look when I explain my tattoo to them but it honestly doesn’t matter what they think.
“A wolf is just a woman who feel in love with the moon instead of a man”
This can all be related to single males as well, I am not trying to exclude anyone from this post. This is me speaking from my heart and obviously I am a female. I am sure many of you males struggle with the same emotions. Just continue to remind yourself, you’re the shit and you can do this. Challenge yourself to figure out what you want and make it happen. You are not an anomaly just because you have chosen to be single for the being.
Being single is a choice.
This has turned into more of a rant than the writing piece that I wanted it to be…. The topic itself has been whirl winding around in my head for such a long time that I created a lovely word vomit of thoughts on the topic.
Let me know if any of you feel the same!
I also have other blog posts if anyone is interested in them.